You catch a glimpse as you pass. You turn, wipe the steam from the glass and take a long hard look. The flood gates open, and a stampede commences. I am too old, too fat, and there isn’t enough time in the day for this. You are tired and frustrated, if left unchecked you will quickly find and follow the path of least resistance to self sabotage. Somewhere in this dialogue lies the truth. You are knee deep in an audit. This self audit can and should be the most brutal assessment. What good does lying to ourself do? Left unchecked our ego’s haze reality, and hinder real progress. This audit has the potential to be a sacred moment if we allow it to be. If we are honest, allow the haze to clear, and dig deep we will find that what we see in the mirror isn’t good or bad. The face looking back is simply our current state. It’s our current position on a vast map. If you were honest and precise in determining this location then you indeed know exactly where you are. This knowledge places you in a powerful position for further assessment and action.
Early last January when I looked into the mirror the haze cleared just long enough for me to actually be present, honest, and see my current situation. I was completely happy with my beautiful wife, my amazing kids and my life in general, but something was off. I was drinking heavily, fat, out of shape, in pain, depressed, not sleeping and a complete wreck. The reality is that since I retired from Special Forces I have been struggling to tread water mentally, and fatigue was setting in. I needed to make a change now, before I was forced by external means to do so.
I went to the VA for help and they tried their best to turn me away despite telling them I was in a dark place and seeing assistance. I had to actually fight and argue to get help. Somehow I was actually able to be seen and all I received for help was a bottle of SSRI’s, some type of Benadryl variant for sleep and anxiety. I was scheduled for an emergency mental therapy appointment in 3 weeks for a video therapy session. During the therapy session the therapist told me I had nothing wrong and no real issues. Great news! I don’t need them.
At this point I came to the conclusion that I am where I am right now because of every thought that I have had, every action that I have taken or failed to take, and every interaction with other’s. I was looking for help and answers and found none. I finally took matter into my own hands and turned to my special operations training and started to attack this situation like it was a high risk, no fail, hostage rescue mission. On this mission, I was the hostage and I had everything to lose.
Ryan

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